Lessons learned from a less-than-perfect childhood

Aren't I just contemplative lately. I was really overwhelmed by the tremendous response my post regarding how my parents' separation affected me has gotten. I'm kind of relieved that after all these years I can finally talk about it freely, without all the fears and insecurities that haunted me as a child. I'm just hoping that my experience will somehow help / enlighten / comfort those who are in a similar situation.

Class picture taken in 1981. I'm right smack in the middle.

One very important thing I realized is throughout my childhood, I never blamed myself for what happened to my parents (I did end up blaming them but that comes later). This is important because if a child thinks that it's somehow his or her fault that the family fell apart, it's very heavy emotional baggage that will weigh him/her down.

From day one, my mother had been brutally upfront with regards to the reason why she and my dad had to separate. Nevermind that I was only 6 or 7 when she started telling me that my father had another woman. I didn't fully understand at first but I soon did. She made sure I knew. She made sure I never forgot. My mom would talk about HER as if she was spitting out venom. There was no sugarcoating it. No making up stories to preserve our dad's image... just the cold hard truth. Looking back, I now realize that I was better able to cope with our situation because I knew exactly WHY my life was going the way it was.

Did I hate my dad? No, at that point I believe I did not. I would always tell him to stop seeing HER as my mom instructed. He would offhandedly give a vague response. That went on for a few years until my mom left for the States.

My cousin, myself w/ another cousin on my lap, and my sister

Eventually the anger and frustration I felt with regards to our family situation shifted to the two people who seemed responsible for our parent-less plight -- my mom and my dad. Why couldn't they have just worked it out? Of course now that I'm older, I know that you can't always work it out. Maybe. I don't know. But I understand and I've come to accept that sometimes, things actually don't work out. I didn't start out angry... just extremely sad that we couldn't all be together. But as I grew older and the more thought I gave it, that sadness turned to disappointment and resentment. Read more »

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